It's funny how things work out though... Its strange how the unveiling of one little factor, one point, one truth, one admission, one...what's another word? Uhhhmm...discovery!...yes that sounds just about right...one discovery, can change just about every opinion, every thought, every thing.
My years in the "care taker" role have left me under the illusion that I am "needed"... A sad discovery for a brooding young lady, lol. the reality is though that it is not in every situation, conversation or decision that my "care"...my "sensible words"...my "ear" is NEEDED... And seriously...it can never be that way, I mean, that's just not how the world works...for anyone. Alas *sighs*... Superwoman is human afterall.
And that's been my biscuit and tea for the week (I have somehow started referring to "points to ponder" and "thoughts" as "biscuits and tea"...I don't know why...there is absolutely no way for me to explain how I landed at this... But it sounds kind of sophisticated I think, lol, "biscuits and tea"), I have had to sit down with myself and admit that I too (lovely as I am) am no different from everyone around me, in the basic sense. I AM HUMAN.
I hurt, I love, I laugh, I pain... I FEEL.
That last bit "I FEEL" is something I have battled to admit for a long time. I let everyone else admit it, and tend to everyones feelings, but never to my own. I am always in a hurry to make sure that everyone is "not offended" or "disappointed" or "sad"...and I seldomly tend to myself with the same readiness, the same urgency, the same care.
I have FELT guilty, I have felt OFFENDED, I have FELT stranded...but I have also FELT joy, I have also FELT relief, I have also FELT wanted. What a colourful spectrum of emotions this week passed has brought...so Theri what did you do last week... I LET MYSELF FEEL *exhales*...(*sings* but there comes a point wheeeen...you will exhale -yeah yeah- saaaaay: shooop shoop shoop...lol, I'll get help for that).
But!!!!
I have been meditating... I quite like the idea of stillness, of smiling and of breathing...all in unison. And I have decided it would be best to STOP FIGHTING. It is immensely tiring to go to war and fight in everyones battles. It's a heavy task trying to keep everyones lives in balance, not to mention...very stressful.
And I have no-one to blame but myself for this. I've just realised (and by "just" I mean it's taken years to come to this realisation, but nevertheless, I am here, lol)... Anyway, I have JUST realised, that no-one has actually ASKED me to fight for them, to balance their worlds and to be the gate keeper in their lives. I have been subconsciously VOLUNTEERING to put "me" on hold...to take care of "all".
*say whaaaaaaaaat?* so it might come as a relief to them who have been affected by my appointing myself president of the world (though I seriously hope they will be disappointed... I pray they will be sad for I have a deep need to be needed and if everyone is ok with this or , heaven forbid, glad... I 'd be CRUSHED! Devastated even, lol) that I am stepping down from this position (I do fear though that they may not be able to survive if I stepped down...there may be war and famine and chaos if I leave...oh who am I kidding!)...but that is it though... My informal resignation *whoooossssaaaaahhh*
I've been excersizing too...that's going well... Some days I don't want to, but i force myself to do it (except saturday and sunday... I don't work on weekends *pouts*)
A word on exercise:
I HATE EXERCISE!... But I LOVE FOOD more than I hate exercise, so love overpowers hate (as with all things) and therefore, to allow myself to relish in this love... I shall conquer the hate *sighs*.
So from this all... Going forth... My plan (that I have just decided on...and this time I mean "just" the real just as in now now, typing this out) I am going to fulfill my duties and my responsibilities to SELF!... I have back pays in love worth paying up. Lol. I love me and I love you all (but I am no longer president, lol) *kisses*
No comments:
Post a Comment