Against my better judgement,
I decided to start my workday with a block of fudge and a 440ml can of energy drink.
I was prepared for whatever repercussions would come from this.
(Listen to me carry on as if this is a life changing decision).
I knew the sugar high would be followed by a very serious crash. I knew it!!!
What I wasn't prepared for though, was how fragile I would be when the sugar finally wore off.
I wasn't ready for life to remind me that I am, in fact, not invincible.
So much for the captain planet persona that my liquid confidence brought on this morning.
This power ranger is not go... go going anywhere.
(see what I just did there *nudge nudge..wink wink* go go power rangers...yes? (._.') oh well)
I sound like such a junkie... this is my life post caffeine.
Anyway, I didn't think I would spend what little energy and strength i had left
working very hard to calm the storm of emotion that was threatening to drown me.
I didn't think, I would spend the remainder of the work day fighting to maintain composure.
This gave birth to a heartfelt mantra:
"don't cry... don't cry... compose yourself... don't cry"
The universe peeled back another one of those layers that serve as curtains to our true selves.
I caught another glimpse of me today.
And now... A word from our sponsors:
We realise this is the first blog entry for the year. We do apologise for the lengthy wait. We'll explain... In another blog entry... Soon. This might be lengthy... But we've been gone for a minute, allow us. We thank you.
(I know what you're thinking... "Who's we?"... Well talk to the hand *pouts*)
Back to the matter at hand...
"nothing goes as planned,
everything will break,
people say goodbye in their own special way"
These are words from a song I was introduced to by my music soul mate (lol). "in my veins"- Andrew Belle.And the timing was spot on.
My way of saying goodbye has always been to keep it cool and try to be as impartial as I can.
My job introduced me to an impressive lady.
I had seen her around the premises,
there was always something about her that drew my attention.
She was to me the definition of poise
She walked with purpose and she commanded her presence.
I waited a hundred years before I finally plucked the courage to waltz into her office and let her know I existed.
(well not really a hundred years, I've only been here for a little over a year... and I didn't REALLY waltz... I mean...
that might have come across as inappropriate... a bit).
In my conversation with her, I felt like a little kid who'd just been introduced to a real life rock star.
In that moment, i wanted to take a piece of her and use it to build a better me.
There was a part of me that admired everything she was,
or at least, all she had allowed me to see her as.
(I can see how you'd all be thinking what a groupie i am, lol. Allow me i have found traits i want to keep in just about every lovely person i've met.)
I HAD NO IDEA how much she would mean to me.
Of course I'm not very good at loosing my cool, so I never got around to telling her I was a fan. One doesn't want to be THAT creepy girl at the office you know.
I assumed I would always have her in reachable distance,
I assumed I'd always have access to her.
I assumed I had all the time in the world to learn from her.
We do that a lot don't we.
We forget that we are not the authors of this life,
That we're infact only allowed a moment at the co-ordinates we're in.
Sometimes these moment feels like forever, so we get comfortable.
We assume we have time.
Goodbyes remind us that we only have each other for as long as what heaven allows.
My (first) conversation with her fuelled a fire in me that had been struggling to stay alive. That ambition and hunger that ones mid twenties brings. She didn't realise that she was awakening a dragon. She didn't know that she had been my teacher.
And I hadn't realised how much of her I had absorbed. Until today... When the reality set in that I hadn't capitalised on the bond. I didn't use my time well. I didn't ask enough questions.
I had a hard time looking her in the eye today. My voice shook. That last hug took all of me.
I learnt today how phenomenally the human soul was designed. We were created from and by love. We were left with the instruction to love (...one another as I have loved you). Love is our primary instinct. It's what we know.
I learnt today that love goes where it wants. It chooses whoever it
wants. It lives without our permission.
I've said this before, and I mean it everytime. I am eternally grateful for everyone that God has allowed me to cross paths with. I am thankful for every connection God has forged for me.
And to her... A member of my panel of teachers... I wish all of the happiness in the world. She introduced me to a reflection of my feisty self. She reminded me of how much work I had to do.
God has brought incredible women into my world :)
