Wait a minute...Are those boobs?

So I had just taken a bath, was all scrubbed up and 99.9 percent free of skin bacteria and germs with my skin looking just on the verge of ashy (Don't act like you don't know though, our skin does that, lol). I was following my daily after-bath rituals that had become so routine that I did not even need to think about them at all. They just happened.

Step 1: put on some anti- perspirant,
step 2: pack on the lotion (massage into skin using circular motion... We firming up you know)
And so forth, lol.

But now the routine had to catch a pause, quite early. Because today (not today specifically, but the day in question) I performed the routine right in front of the mirror. So just as I was putting the deodorant down, I glanced at the mirror, not even consciously, and caught a glimpse of my boobs.

Oh My gosh, I have boobs. Lol
(yes I'm going to be calling them boobs and not breasts)

I was a little startled. Not because I had boobs, I mean, I have always known that, lol. But this was the first time that I had consciously taken note of my boobs. I had never, never ever before this moment recognised my boobs consciously. I'd cushioned them comfortably (sometimes not so comfortably) into bra's, I'd put my hands to them, but I had never really taken conscious note of them. I was a fan of them, as opposed to a supporter.

Hmmmm.

So I took a minute to explore these babies that have been riding on my chest for a good portion of my life. These babies that had been growing (not a lot but ok) on me. How could I not have noticed my own children like that?

Oh dear goodness!

I can only imagine how comical it would have looked if anyone had a lense to my room taking in this moment. I mean there I was in front of the mirror, hands hanging at my sides, just staring at my boobs. It seems strange, I know. But I had never looked at my boobs.

While I was zoning out, I realised it was not just my boobs I was looking at, it was more than my boobs. It was my womanhood. So what was happening right then, was I was staring right into my femininity.

Again... Hmmmmm

Through a great portion of my life I had been fighting body image issues. Used to be a chunky dunk you know. I had become complacent in this fight. So much so, that even when I had shed the chunk, It had not occurred to me that there no longer needs to be a fight. It didn't matter all the whoo'ing and aah'ing and showers of "oh you look great" and "wow you've lost weight" (Oh my gosh that rhymes...so genius). I couldn't hear these compliments, or at least not consciously, because I was too busy trying to out scream the canon balls of looking like a boy (I did look like one when I was more cushioned) and all the other explosions that were questioning my confidence.
My perception of self was THAT distorted.

Hmmmm.

Please take note that this is not self pitty, right now. Forgive me if it sounds like it. Lol

I honestly only started hearing the external compliments about 3 yrs ago, yes that late, after an ex boyfriend of mine said (after a conversation that I then did not realise had been revolving around my wallowing in sub-conscious self-loathe because I had gotten so comfortable down playing my pretty that it was all just the same thing) "please don't say that about yourself".

Huh?!

He didn't say it in a patronising or condescending way, not at all. There was nothing harsh about how he said it. And in fact, I didn't even take offence.

But it did make me question why anyone would have to defend me from myself. Why was I killing myself? I was down in weight, my skin was glowing, I had an "infectious laugh" (they said) but I wasn't giving myself that credit.

Hmmmm.

It didn't make sense. I had to shape up. No doubt about it. (That wasn't a pun)

*Shout out to "ex boyfriend" who we will refer to as "that one" and with whom we are no longer associated in any form but have our universe whispering well wishes and love into his life xoxo*

There is a whole story to it (the answer to the previous question, not "that one" lol) that I am not prepared to share at this moment. I can't tell you everything you know. Certain things I am entitled to reserving for myself. It's allowed. Lol.

But anyway, I had to psyche myself up and fix this. Until I became pretty to myself. And boy did things get fun after that.
And then I was like (while I was staring at my boobs) did I become so lost in that fight that I had missed an integral part of my womanhood?

Hmmm.

I didn't notice my boobs, my curves, the fine lines that sculpt everything that embodies this beautiful breed that I was a part of. And didn't notice that I had an alluring charm of some sort, I mean I had seen it in action, but I had never REALLY noticed it. You know?

I hadn't noticed while I was chilling out in that dark place, that life was moving, and I was on the ride, but I wasn't paying attention to the journey.
I was all the things that a phenomenal woman would be, but I wasn't aware of it. I mean for heaven's sake for my high school years  I was on the drama club, the public speaking team, I talked a lot, I wrote stuff that would be published in the school magazine, I was a prefect. And I was doing a damn good job at these too, lol. WHY was I not noticing that all these things require courage, and confidence. And I was doing them, so I had these traits. I was being confident and courageous to cover up how I wasn't confident and courageous. Huh?!

Do you get me though? If you wish you were "that confident and courageous girl" and you excel in things that require confidence and courage, are you then not in fact confident and courageous? The girl I was hiding behind so that no1 would know who I wasn't was in fact one person. Does that make sense?

I was so concerned with being in the boxing ring fighting my heart out, that I didn't realise I was already wearing the championship title belt (I hope that's what it's called). I was being who I secretly wished I was, but I didn't notice that... I didn't notice me!

Hmmm.

Ironically, I was in a school production of "The wizard of Oz". Tinman was in search of a heart, because he didn't have one, but he was the one always getting emotional. Scarecrow was in search of a brain, because he didn't have one, but he was the one coming up with all the brilliant ideas and master plans (note how scarecrow's credentials are so beautifully decorated, anyone want to guess which character I was playing? Lol). Neither of them realised that they already had what they wanted...they were already equipped with what they needed for their journey, They just hadn't tapped into it yet. Not consciously.

Hmmm.

These boobs, these beautiful lady lumps that will one day be the barrels that pump out love, nourishment and care. These soft little cushions (well, not thaaaat little) that will be comfort to a new life one day. These precious babies! Were preaching to me. They were telling it to me like is, "Theri get comfy baby, your body is housing the universe. Do you even know?"
I had been a beautiful woman this whole time, but I hadn't BECOME that beautiful woman. I hadn't claimed it. I was renting womanhood, but I wasn't owning it.

These boooooobs thooooough!

In front of that mirror, staring at my boobs, I graduated from adolesence.
I'm in the right mind to start answering my calls replacing "Theri hello" with "I'm a woman, hello" lol.

*smiles*

 What did I learn kids?

You have to strip yourself down to your bare minimums and recognise your naked self as a friend. Take off the garments that are covering up your brilliantly engineered self and confront yourself until you have no choice but to adore this bare self. And then carry on from their.

Step 3: figure out what to wear and get dressed.
Step 4: hair, make-up and other such touch ups (because we want to, not because we have to *pouts*)

These are all metaphoric of cause. Lol. By naked self I do not mean sit and stare at your boobs, butt, thighs and other physical glories. I meeeeaan, pull a SWOT analysis on yourself.

Explore the areas of your metaphysical self that have been awarded to you as the features and extra features of the model that is you. You have everything you want, everything you need. It was built into you already. I am convinced that the things we yearn for most are the things that heaven is trying to tell us we need to unleash.

It's as if heaven waits for us to start talking trash about how our laptop isn't working and it's broken, and its useless and if we could just get a new one we'd be better of... Just so God can say, did you switch the power on at the plug? And then we realise "oh...oops". Lol. So u see, even if it were a different laptop it still wouldn't work, because it's not the laptop that is the problem. It its the lack of a flow of electrical energy (or whatever the sciency, electricy people would call it, lol).

Being someone else and having new things is not going to make your demons disappear. You have to actually root them out and confront them.

Switch yourself on first, then explore your model.

You know that feeling when you discover that your phone can do something that you had no idea was even possible?

I shall remind you of that feeling... *clears throat*...
*gasps* "Whaaaat?! That's insane! It's amazing. This is going to make my life so much easier".
Remember it now?... Yes. That's what it feels like when you identify you special features. Lol.

I'm not done with this lovely journey, but I'm on track (I think, lol). And there's something about knowing that you're at least moving in the righ t direction that makes the effort worth it.

Feel and give love. Start with you. *cliche podium*

Hmmm?

Dear future husband

I have often said that I would like to end up with "someone who will love me for me"... And I swore by it. But I recently read something along the lines of "God doesn't love us because of who we are. God loves us because of who He is".

Whether or not we understand it, receive it, acknowledge it or agree with it. His love remains unchanged. His love stays moving, whether or not we choose to be a part of this journey. We remain His creation, therefore we remain His own, even when we are not functioning at our best. His love is not dependent on our co-operation. It is in our best interest to co-operate, but His love is not waiting for us to co-operate in order for it to breathe. This love is too powerful to depend on "understanding". We have no idea!!

I choose to believe that because God created us (specifically and perfectly), we are all his signature thumb prints. Therefore, He exists in all of us. Therefore, it is an insult to let this thumb print to it's love be ordered by anything or anyone that does not remain constant.

So I've changed my mind about what I had wanted before, which is ok because that's what's supposed to happen when you find a better plan,lol. Besides, it was too boxed an idea. I would now like for you to love me as God loves me thank you very much.

Love me not because of who I am, but because of who YOU are.

Here's why...

If you are to get this right...sincerely... You will have to first arrive at a point where you have defined who you are. You will have to have a sophisticated knowledge of self and a conscious love for yourself. This act will require of you to be so in touch with yourself that you cannot be shaken by anyone but God. Leave (plenty of) room for growth and change, yes, but no space for the winds of life to sway you too and fro. Don't stand still, infact, please keep moving, but dear goodness please do not move aimlessly. Do you know what I mean?

Love me on a level that has nothing to do with me. On a level that is not dependent on me. Love me on a level more than me, You know?

I do not want you to base your love for me on who and what I am, because I am not going to be that person forever, if I am, it would be a sure sign that I would not be learning anything. If I am to become better, I am going to need to be able to allow the fires of my journey to mould me and refine me into the art piece I was created to be. Who I am, in fact, who WE are, in and at any given moment, is reserved and limited only to the co-ordinates of that specific space (in less complicated words, do not love me for my bikini, we are not going to be poolside everyday, I hope this makes sense, lol).

Connect with yourself to such an extent, that you feel your existence in everyone you'll meet. That people are but mirrors of parts of ourselves that we may, or may not yet, have confronted.

If you see me as a mirror, I am a reflection of you, therefore you will recognise yourself in me. I want you to see me as an extention of yourself so that you will treat me with the same love, respect, kindness and care that you would yourself...which is why you will be required to have a beautiful relationship with yourself. You cannot love me fully and powerfully, if you have not learnt to love you...fully and powerfully.

Because who I am is not going to be a given constant, I am going to need you to love me more than the boundaries of the moment at present. If you have defined yourself, learned to love yourself, and claimed your journey, and have recognised me as you reflection...I AM YOU and YOU ARE ME. Love me because I AM YOU, YOU who have decided that in your entirety deserves and wants a strong, sincere and genuine exchange of love.
We will be each others mirrors. Our energies will reflect back to each other, through each other.

Do unto me as you would be done to you... This is why I need you to be connected to yourself in love :)

You will not be required to make me the centre of your universe... That's so shallow. It would be far more introcate a connection if our universes flowed freely and naturally in and out through the seams of the quilt that is time. I find it quite daunting the idea of one person putting their entire world on hold to focus on the world of another. This is not why we were created.

We have our own purposes to fulfill. It would be a crime to the divine order if we abandoned these purposes for any one mortal. Let our paths flow into each other that both our paths are merged in order for each purpose to be completed in one journey.


In light of this, you are allowed to feel a little cocky when you call me sexy, lol (haaaaaayyyyy!!!).

Bottom line. I do not want our love to at any given point be defined or confined to that specific moment. It should not be determined by circumstance, but by the spiritual connection that settles in when I am you, and you are me.

The love I am capable of giving you cannot be determined by you and is not going to be dependant on you. You will feel it. You will realise it. You will live in it, but understand, you do not have to pay for it. It is mine. And you are receiving it because you are an extension of me.

I don't want you to love me with all of your heart. That's so limited *rolls eyes*. Lol. Love me with your soul, where there are no boundaries, no labels, no confines of any kind...just pure , wholesome love.
That is all you really owe to the universe, is to fulfill the divine order of "Love one another".

That is the only thing you HAVE to do. When you get this right, everything that was intended to accompany this sentiment will naturally fall into its place. Operative word NATURALLY.

Can we please not put unnecessary pressure on this love. Let's just let this love flow. It will go where it needs to go, it knows what to do, it's been ordered by the heavens. It knows its instruction, and that instruction is not limited to the perception of any human. Love is bigger than us. It would make no sense to try to control and navigate an emotion this powerful.

LOVE ME EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

We are not establishing a "patnership" that's so silly. We are Merging! That's where the force is at. Lol

Remember again, one last time...

I am to be an extension of you as you will an extension of me. We will flow into each other, naturally and freely. We will connect at a level stronger than the physical, more than the moment, and deeper than anything we've ever know. We will connect in a whole other realm. We will connect divinely. Our love will have nothing to do with the institutions of this world. It is your energy that I'm interested in experiencing. I'm big on feelings like that, lol.
We will love each other in ways that inspire each other to keep loving stronger and better, but without any pressure, purely free.
If you can see yourself as God see's you and you recognise me as yourself (and I in turn do the same) we will be living a love that surpasses all understanding.

We'll figure the rest out as we go.

Signed Sincerely

Your missing rib, Theri.