Shadows of distant loves

I hadn't realised the intensity of how estranged we'd become. I wasn't oblivious to the rift. Bt I had held our friendship safe...... I'd kept a piece of it alive. Still giving life and love to what (I thought) still existed. I hadn't realised how far apart our journeys were moving... I guess I had hoped that somehow the connection would keep itself alive. That regardless of time and of distance, somehow, our worlds would always make way to share each others joy... Each others struggles... Each others lives. I had held on to the memory of where we'd started, so firmly and so dearly, that I failed to acknowledge that whatever purpose I'd served in your life had drawn to its end, and while I kept your shadow in all the monuments of what I held dear... You had grown. And you had outgrown me. This, was my mistake. I take full responsibility for my naivety. And with love, my prayer is that life treats you kind. That happiness continue to rise with you at every day. And if someday our lives should somehow recognise each other, then too, with love... I will honour the movement.

This is a feeling penned down at 02:05 a.m. Or at least, this is the time the full stop made it to the end of the feeling, lol. Trouble sleeping.

02:09 and I am plagued by the realities of somehow having already moved to one day being dismissed as "just an old friend" and then eventually to "just someone from my past".

Developments I respect as natural parts of growth. Natural parts of life. But the reality of outgrowing the roles we play in others' lives and of others' outgrowing the existence of your role in their lives... Though I had always acknowledged it... Had for (truly) the first time left a lump in my throat that at 02:14 a.m... I didn't know what to do with.

I didn't want to be petty. But I couldn't help it. The idealist in me had just been silenced. I had imagined the response to be "it's not like we've been keeping in touch" or "it's not like we've been keeping up". I had somehow made it to the idea that it was only I who was allowed to outgrow. I somehow felt exempted from being outgrown. And at 02:18... I felt selfish. And I was. I didn't want to be... But no matter what evidence life had served, the official notice of insignificance was no easy bite to swallow. And the memo didn't mince its words.

02:21... Backspace a sentence. That ones too deep. It can't make it on here.

I hadn't been able to attend to this notice with the same nonchalance I had been radiating regarding a now week old exit from a relationship. A cold indifference that had resulted in the feeling that nothing ever happened. What had plagued me about this reaction (to the sudden break-up) was guilt I felt for dismissing this end as just an "oh well". I felt as though I should have been a mess. I was expected to be a mess. I hadn't shed a single salty tear, and no one could seem to understand why I seemed to "not be dealing with itl. I couldn't explain the chunk of me that didn't feel like there was anything to deal with. I had packed up my feelings long before the end. A truth that made me feel heartless. But this is another story. A story... For another day. A story I haven't yet summed up the interest to pursue. It may not ever come. I don't know *bbm I don't know face... To lighten the mood... Perhaps*

02:32 a little more of the backspace key, in honour of the ends. And in preservation of all that had been and all that was left.

02:47 the sleep that had left me at 01:15 is slowly asking for me back. Floating in and out of consciousness, I have to finish. If I leave it for later, I won't have the voice to word this out. I have to do it now while I've still caught the creative writing ghost, lol.

We always preach of how everyone comes into our life to serve a purpose. Of how everything happens for a reason. But very seldom do we speak of honouring (with sincere love) the exit of these people when there purpose in our lives has been fulfilled. Very seldom do we acknowledge the freedom of these souls. These precious souls.

I have said this before, I'm sure of it. But I have to say again... To all the beautiful souls that have at any and every point crossed paths with mine. Thank you for your contribution to my development. Whether or not I have consciously taken the time to sift through what these contributions are, I trust without fail that it is all for a greater good. A greater good that holds my best interests at heart. And for that I honour your journeys through the highways of my life..

03:01 and I'm feeling thankful.

And with that, I shall submit to this nagging fatigue. My sleep has arrived.

I love you. All.
Smile... You never know who's watching :)

Civil War

She so badly wanted him to be who he promised he was... But after all the weeks on weeks that her heart tried to make excuses for why he wasn't maintaining that promise, guess she just had to admit that she was investing way too much of herself into a fruitless cause. She had to go. She would've loved to stay. But she had to go.

I sat with her while she cried, I couldn't think of anything to say to make her feel better except the cliché stuff... And I know that's the exact type of stuff I never want to hear when it's me in those shoes. "You're gonna be ok"... I imagine she would roll her eyes at that. That's what I do when someone says that to me (I keep it all internal though, one does not roll ones eyes at people who are trying to make one feel better). I didn't know what to say because I knew no matter what I said, it just wouldn't be enough to make her tears stop. And I didn't want to make her tears stop, or at least not right then. I'm a firm believer in "letting it all out"... It's therapy you know.

So I just sat there and did for her what I appreciate when I'm in tears. I held her hand and sat there quietly. Though I really wanted to save her.

(Eventually, when I was ready for an answer, sometimes I'm not... For fear that I would be expected to give a brilliant response and then I'd fail at that. I've never really been one for the "oh no he didn't" movement.) I asked...
- "What happened babe?"
- "Nothing" she said...
I was puzzled.
- "Nothing happened... I just couldn't think of anymore reasons to stay. Or any reasons why I should bother with the arguments."

There it was.

Behind her teary eyes though it was pretty obvious that even the most civil of break-ups are not exempt from the pain.
I'm scared of her tears. They're too real. They're those "just parted ways with the very heavy emotional price tag I invested" tears. Those are heavy tears. We've all been to them. But everytime the emotional equivalent of wall street crashes, they feel like the first time.

I wanted to be strong for her. Be her rock. That's what I'm supposed to do isn't it? It's what I've always done. But I stepped into her shoes... Then I had to borrow her tears for a young second (I've turned into such a girl *rolls eyes*). Hers is an easy situation to find yourself in. But very difficult to recover from. I reserved my opinion for when she asked, and when she finally did, I said... "Cry a little more...feel every feeling that comes" (what a very cheesy thing of me to say... I had hoped that that would translate as draining out the pain). She smiled and said "I love you kid". I hope that means I said the right thing. I meant it. It was sincere. So it must've been right... Right?.

She's usually so together... I guess that's why it was so hard trying to comfort her when she was breaking down. It hurts that bad that she let me see her in tears... In this light SHE IS ME... Little miss strong. Little miss nobody knows how to handle you when you're being anything BUT strong.
"I love you my friend"... That was the most solid and honest piece of comfort I could share with her. I meant it with my soul.

"What happened my friend"
"Nothing... Nothing happened..."

No fight. Just goodbye. Civil... But the ocean she'll have to battle from this goodbye... War.

I love her so much. I wish that was all it took to make it all better. A simple, honest and wholesome "I love you my friend".

Note: This was 3 months ago. I saved writting this for when she was fine. She is. And I love her. Lol
♥

Where My Cheese At

I'm really not tryna be a Hem about it all,
But my feet are really not tryna hear me right now.
I missed the cue to be a Sniff and Scurry about it all,
So I'm really gonna have to be a Haw about it all.

*pause* Haw is a name you guys, somewhere in that sentence is somebody thinking that was a spelling mistake. No… im not that kinda gal, and this is not that kinda show *three tier finger snap*
A note on the three tier finger snap, I only really do it when I post to the blog, and since I haven't posted in a gajillion years… I have missed this sassy, feisty, pout faced three tier finger snapping gig.
And on that note ( a note to the note)… Hi you guys, life caught me up a lidl bit, excuse my absentia. I love you all still. (just in case anyone's life came to a halt as a result of my being away)

Let me explain. Hem, haw, Sniff and scurry are all characters from a little book I've been reading titled "Who moved my cheese'. Very simple to read. Very quick to read (about 94 pages worth of large, bold letters widely spaced out onto barely A5 sized pages… for the lazy, lol). Also… very cheesy (in honour of its title). The book, or the story rather, is basically about the different approaches we have or the stances we take in adapting to change in the various departments of our lives…

hang on… it's raining. This is my most favourite of nature's free gifts, I think I might just catch the giggles. I love the rain. There is something very graceful about it. And the smell… whooo child, don't even go thurrrrr. Love love love.  Whoooo and it just started hailing golf balls worth of ice… jumping jupiter  (yes… jumping jupiter… that was the Caucasian in me… we all have one. I will not be judged. *three tier finger snap*)

ehneeehwaaay… "who moved my cheese?"

the story basically chronicles the reactions of four characters to change (moved cheese = the situation has changed)
Sniff and Scurry start moving to find new cheese when they start sensing that the cheese is about to run out.
Hem and Haw overanalyse and overthink.
Hem refuses to accept that the cheese is gone and sticks around hoping things will return to normal.
Haw, though late, decides waiting around is not going to any good. better late than never.

It had me thinking,
How often do we assess our cheese?
How many times have we noticed the cheese was running out and just pretended it wasn't happening?
How many times have we stood in cheeseless situations, hoping it would somehow magically reappear and things would return to normal?
Instead of going off to find new cheese, going where the cheese is at.

FOLLOW YOUR CHEESE!!!

Sometimes easier said than done.
There are areas of my life where I can sense that "it's not giving" and then I calmly get up and get going.
Then there are times when I sense that "it might not give soon", but then I just brush it off and "cross that bridge when I get there"
Then there are times when it is clearly without a doubt definitely not giving and yet I just stand there… doing nothing… waiting for somebody to flip a switch and bring it all back to normal….
Smart as I am.

we all do it. Somewhere in our lives.

It had me thinking…
More often than not, the first voice that speaks in your mind when change comes into play is usually the smartest one. The right one.
I'm making this conclusion based on all the times I have ignored this voice and then stood there after wasted time thinking "poop! *air punch* I really should've listened to that voice"
(I don't really air punch, that was just for dramatic effects, allow me).

I really think this voice comes from a very honest place… I think it's my (very smart) gut (who by the way is soooo on point) and I might be much happier if I learnt to trust this voice.
Note how I already know what to do yet I  am weighing out whether or not I should do it… such a Hem I am.
This voice has said to me many times before "Theri getchurr stuff girl, you need to get out of this one". And I have instead (just as many a time) decided to pull up a chair and stay… and then spent the remainder of the time in that seat wondering why on God's lovely green earth I'm not abandoning ship until it's finally too dark to change my mind. "well I guess I'm gonna have to stay then" *sighs* (this is just a metaphor kids, we're not talking about a social gathering of any kind… this is real life business… stay focused… for sure 8see what I just did there?... think liquideep, jabba and teargas… yes? no? maybe?… sighs*)

I'm easily distracted.

Anyway… The voice… (lol)

An awesome guy friend of mine said to me "so mokgwa'a go o emets'eng? ("what exactly are you waiting for"… I love you my white friends, I will never not translate… this is love darrrlings, lol)
It's crazy… I'd asked myself this question before. And it was regarding the very same issue. I had asked him for his opinion because the overanalytical part of me that looks for stuff that isn't there was hoping he would side with me and say something a little more along the lines of "I mean I think you should wait and see what happens you know. Do't jump to any conclusions"

Lol! the very typical things we say to ourselves when we make excuses for why we should take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable for our own happiness. Our own livelihoods. Orselves!

I'm the type of person who doesn't want to hurt other people. Especially their feelings, dear goodness what'll become of them without good feelings? (dramatic much?)
Let us all hold hands around the campfire and sing khumbaya… "can't we all just… get along?"
But the older I get, the more I learn, the chances of finding solutions or making decisions where everyone is equally happy, are slim to none.
So a lot of times, the sparing of others' feelings, means the doom of my own.
(For what?... smh)

That's where I'm at right now… the choosing me bit.
The trusting the voice bit.
The knowing when to get up and move.
Why have I taken so long to get here?

Learning to follow my cheese.

*whooooooosaaaaah*

Lol, are the areas of my life ready.

*shimmies (sp)*
Smile... You never know who's watching :)

Serendipity

Excuse me sir,
but I really wasn’t looking for you.
Don’t mind these flirtatious eyes and this alluring smile,
I was just tryina look approachable,
but I really didn’t mean for you to notice me.
Sounds a bit silly I know,
But that running my fingers over the rim of the glass thing,
That was just for dramatic effect,
I really wasn’t tryna catch your attention.

Now I know how this might sound a little confusing,
But it really isn’t what it looks like.

And I know the lighting from where you were standing
might have made it look like I was waiting for you to walk over here,
But quite honestly, I didn’t even notice you standing there in all your perspicacious glory.
I do apologise.

Though I must admit,
Your way with words and your command over this language that isn’t even ours,
And how you speak so confidently,
Has got me kinda curious,
Left me with all these butterflies in my tummy,
And a fire in my cheeks,
Oh dear goodness, my GOSH!
Blushing is such hard work,
You’ve got my mind wandering.

I’m wondering.

No wait a minute hold up…
I really didn’t mean to say that,
You’ll have to excuse me mister,
It must be this wine sinking in,
I’m far too reserved to ever admit anything like this,
At least not out loud,
Oh gosh I should’nt have said that either

*note to self: breathe Theri he’s winning.

Look I’m real sorry mister,
Please excuse this enigmatic allure.
I didn’t mean to attract you,
really,
I was just tryina look cool and somewhat attractive,
Though honestly I didn’t think anyone was looking.

I was just over here bein pretty about mindin my own business,
I really wasn’t checking for you.

But since you’re here…
You ARE kinda cute *wink wink*

Wait but hold on,
you do need to back up a little bit,
I’m way too phly to let down my guard,
That kinda stuff is a little too scary,
I’m tryina be in control here you know,
And I’m sorry mister,
But you are not allowed to walk over here and make me feel like I should lose my mind *pouts*

I’m really not lookin for you sir,
But since you’re here,
You might as well stay.
I uhhmmm… think it’s kinda cool how you
make me wanna smile,
How you make me wanna think,
How you make me wanna uhhmmm…
Have some more of this wine,
And while we’re on this,
Hang on a minute while I fill up my empty glass,
These grapes are really starting to bring out the best in you,
I mean me…
And them…
Wait what?

Anyway, you need to just excuse me,
I’m starting to feel like I might be selling my charm a little bit short,
But that’s only because I wouldn’t know what to do once we both admit I’m awesome,
I’ll probably have to give up all this control,
And I’m a bit of a control freak so I’m really not tryna ride THAT train.
Wait I’m just gonna keep quiet now,
cause I think I’ve said enough,
Would you like some wine?
Because seriously, this is some good wine.

a sisterhood.

When you have lunch with an old friend whom you used to be so close to, if not inseparable from, and ten minutes into the meeting,

Before the food even arrives… you have run out of things to talk about and you’re left in the awkward moment of having to grab onto any old memory you can possibly think of and hope you can stretch it out long enough to cover a decent portion of the clock’s strokes and even the laughter requires effort… YOU HAVE GROWN and possibly, outgrown each other.

I haven’t put finger to keyboard in a little while (actually quite a while but ok) I feel like I should back up and reintroduce myself… but I won’t…I’m not in the mood. I am however in a decent enough mood to apologise for my absence. I love how I say that as though your lives were on hold and your worlds came to a stand still because this blog affects you all so deeply, lol. Again with the drama, you know the drill. But no really, I haven’t talked to my peoples in a while and I’m sorry. Now that that’s done, let’s carry on shall we?

I sat down in a restaurant to catch up with a friend after months of trying to clear our schedules to find a suitable time to share each others company. I cried in my car on the way back home (I can be such a girl sometimes *rolls eyes*) after I had pulled out of the parking lot and said out loud to myself “WE USED TO BE SO CLOSE” (yes I talk to myself sometimes, all the greats do). Anyway after that I just bust out into tears.

45 minutes earlier.

(lol… I watch too much television… but it’s ok, all the greats do)

When she came around the corner to the restaurant, for some reason I was still expecting to see the same girl I knew all those years ago with her short hair and rascal flair, even though I was standing there in red sky-scraping stilettos, chandelier earrings, with my eyes mascarad up (yes I said mascarad. It’s a new word I think, no worries… all the greats do it) and a dash (actually more than that) of eyeliner (to make my eyes pop) far from the careless girl I was when she last saw me. When I finally saw her, her 14 inch weave cascading down her back. I held back my tears. She had grown, we both had. I was happy to see her.

We got a table and the conversation flowed, mainly because it was made up of “wow it’s been forever” and other such cute talk relating to that nature.

She asked me questions that no longer applied to the space I was in… she seemed so excited though, I couldn’t pluck up the courage to tell her so much had changed.

I picked it up so quickly that she was under the impression that everything was still as it was when we last spoke. So much had changed.

 And we couldn’t ignore it, what with the awkward moments of silence where the only words that seemed to make up our vocabularies were either “wow you look so pretty” or just simply “sooo”. I am ashamed to even acknowledge how many times I used the words “but how is everything?”.

We were talking to the girls we once were. Each of us was still holding onto the girl we remembered, even though we clearly looking at a completely different person. It just seemed like the longest meal… mainly because we were running out of things to say, and I didn’t think the whole “so what are your views on global warming” topic would go down well, lol. I still felt a lot of love for her, but I could no longer relate to her. I could no longer identify myself in her as once did, neither could she find herself in me. We had changed. Things had changed. We had grown… into separate paths.

I am choking up a little bit recalling this (such a girl), lol

At the end of our evening, we resolved to “do this again sometime and next time we shouldn’t wait 4 years”. But we both knew that there would probably never be a next time. We had nothing to talk about… and even more than that… the two young ladies we had become in these past years, didn’t know each other.

There I was driving through the blurry sight of my tear filled eyes. I was happy to know she had been well. That she had been happy. It would have devastated me to hear that life had been unkind to her. The nurturer in me would have felt so guilty for having not been there. So it was good that she had been doing well.

The tears I was crying were not necessarily sad though. They were the kind of tears you cry when you become consciously aware that your life and who you are has crossed over into a new phase. I once read somewhere, something along the lines of how our lives go through different seasons, each perfectly ordered and how we should always allow ourselves the time to consciously experience each season as none last forever. I assume that what it means is simply that everything has its own place and time, and in whatever phase of your life you are, you should be the person that that phase requires of you to be, perfectly 9you know? lol).

I was now at that point where I was realising the different seasons I had been through and that I had grown. They were bittersweet tears. On the one had I had grown, YAY! On the other hand, it was both strange and sad that someone who I was once so close to had now become such a stranger.

I cried and then minutes later, I smiled.

I smiled because this made me think of all the best friends I had had through my life. It made me think of Kopano Zimba my first ever best friend from my Sun City Nursery school years (who probably doesn’t remember me it’s been so long). Of Nicole Levy and Noxolo Gcilishe in my early Fields Primary years, of Catherine Senne later on in that “white gold and blue” years (Fields school colours). I had had an amazing journey picking friends and even though so much had change and I no longer knew each of them as I once did, I was still so happy to have had the journey I had with each of them. I still wanted the best for them, I still cared so much for all of them. I have known love all of my life. I have been blessed.

Two weeks after this encounter I stood in front of a cute intimate crowd, gathered in honour of Tshire’s accomplishment (ok I am literally tearing up, but it’s ok, all of the greats do it, lol “it’s my allergies”). I had to avoid eye contact with her in order to keep my eyes from leaking, but I failed at that. She was sitting there looking like a little lady (crying like a baby) and I just kept seeing the girl in braces and spectacles I sat either next to, behind, or in front of back in my high school years. I am forever grateful for that class list, lol. I was proud. I have known love for a long time.

Having Bridget and Mmapaseka there did me no favours, lol. The ladies that had shared a massive part of my “grown up” years were all in the same space. I have known love for a long time.

I thought of tshego monedi and the emotional trip it’s been.

I thought of the friends I have shared a good journey with… all of them, the Nolo’s, Dineo’s, Tshegofatso’s, Tshegofatso’s, Tshegofatso’s (lol) Lerato’s, Cindy’s (cindy if you happen to come across this, khumbul’ekhaya sisi) the keelee’s (lol) it’s been a journey. I have known love for a long time.

The Boit’s, The tlotli’s, the Basi’s, the Minnie’s, the charmi’s, the Zinhle’s, The yoli’s the Phumi’s, the Kele (Hoffman…I have to specify, lol)  (ladies where is sizakele?) THE MEMORIES!!!

I smiled because I had been reminded of the ladies whose presence in my life had gotten me to this little lady I am now

One 45 minute date had made me count my blessings in a way so beautiful. I cannot help but gush over the friends I have kept. I am thankful for the love I have known.

And the love that has been upgraded by all the new beautiful souls that have been added to my life, continues to reduce me to tears. The love every single one you lovelies that have taken the journey with me, that are still journeying with me, that have recently joined this journey with me, and though I cannot control the course of this journey, I am thankful that you are all a part of it.

You will not get to keep all of the people you have been blessed with, but regardless of whether you lose contact or not, for whatever reason, remember this blessing. My universe will always whisper smiles and love to every friend I’ve had, have and will have.

This is a sisterhood that has prepared me for all the new sisters that have walked into my life, I am looking forward to these bonds (don’t worry newbees your mentions are on the way… a whole note just for you, lol)

I have known sisterhood and friendship in the same breathe. I have known love for a long time.

I have been blessed.

Shall we call them "mobile survival kits"?...hhmmm?

I fear I may be past the point of having grown emotionally attached to my handbag though.

It’s understandable of course, I mean this (not so) little pouch houses what could ultimately be considered my entire life…you know?

It’s my pharmacy, my bank, my bathroom, my kitchen, my home affairs…

Harbouring everything from Identity documents to deodorant and even an emergency apple,

(yes I have an apple roaming around in there, my friend Tshire has one too in hers so I don’t feel weird about it, not one bit. You never know when you might be stranded and malnourished, lol)

I’m just always ready like that.

“Ladies why do you need those things? Why can’t you just take what you need in your pockets?”

Ok wait hang on, I’m planning on wearing leggings today, can I use your pockets?

Here… hold my mascara, my eyeliner, my lip balm, my pocket tissues, my sanitary wipes, my phone, my purse, my emergency earrings (yes I did), my hand lotion, my waterless hand wash, my shades, my keys, my pain killers, my panty-liners, my tampons, my intimate wipes, my scent wand, my gum, my comb, my emergency just-enough-to-get-me-from-the-office-to-the-car umbrella (unless of course there are strong winds, then it won’t help me, it’s not strong enough to sustain such. It’s just to protect my hair shame poor thing), these earphones, some of these tollgate-change coins loitering around in here…

Oh and wait…what shall we do with my emergency apple?

*POUT…RAISED EYEBROW*

I didn’t think so *rolls neck*

Without my handbag,

I feel naked and exposed,

I feel insensible,

I feel unprepared,

I feel…I feel…

I feel incomplete man.

There’s something very survivoresque (new word) about my handbag though (note my habitual excessive use of the word “though”…I’m getting help for that)

Something very superwoman (if my life played like in the movies, this would be the part where Beyonce’s “run the world” would be jamming in the back)

Something very “Maybe she’s born with it”

Something very “the devil wears prada”

Something very…

Very…

*slaps tongue*

“everybody calm the fudge down…I’ve got this”

My handbag is my Chuck Norris.

What amazes me is how I got to this girl (by this girl I mean the girl I am now)

I used to be so nonchalant about all this…

Ok maybe not “amazed”, but it’s interesting…

If you ha told me 4 years ago that the first thing I’d save in a fire is a handbag, I would have punched you in the face for talking smack!

(This is of course just an expression I don’t fight)

I believe the term to use is “I have blossomed into a young lady” …so cliché.

It’s strange the contrast between who I am now, and who I was then…

A good kind of strange, but strange none-the-less.

I love this girl I’ve become, she’s so liberal, uninhibited… I like her.

She never leaves the house without her handbag, lol.

(have you ever noticed that the acronym “lol” looks like a person with their hands in the air? Nudge nudge to my girl Fifi)

I’ve just smiled at a part of me… this all inspired by finding life…in a pouch

But my handbag though *claps once*

Boy Pleeeez!

This man sends me into a menopausal state though

Got me out here with my face catching a young hot flush and my cheeks burning up…

makin’ me catch a fever like that.

He must’ve lost his damn mind, walking into the privacy of my mind like that,

Doesn’t he know though?

You don’t have a lady flustered like that, you’ll make a lady lose her mind like that.

How dare he have me scrambling my words like that?

I mean I’m little miss “I-can-construct-a-sentence-in-my-sleep”,

Now I’m out here getting my tenses wrong, pronouncing my words different,

Getting this grammar thing completely failed.

“I’m fine and you thanx?”…

*closes eyes and slaps forehead*

uhhmmm can we do that again… I really wasn’t ready that time.

I’m not usually like this you know?

How dare he have me standing here working this hard to maintain composure.

*Three tier finger snap*

No

            he

didn’t

* pouts*

This man though

This man (must have) cast a spell on me though

Uhhm excuse me sir, I’m really not tryina smile right now,

I’m supposed to be pulling a diva stance right now,

I’m on my Naomi Campbell pout right now

My Maya Angelou walk straight, put a subtle swing in your hip and a little click in your heal and a spring in my step,

Don’t that make me look a little phenomenal right now?

What do you meeeeeaan “hey beautiful how you doin’?”

I cannot afford to blush with these defined cheekbones getting all rosey and plump right now,

I am trying to look vogue thank you very much

*clicks tongue*

How dare he have me walking around here with this glow on my face

*Three tier finger snap*

No

             he

didn’t

* pouts*

This man though

This man is real audacious though

The nerve…what is he doing looking at me?

I am trying exhibit poise and confidence here,

How he has me checking my hair off that reflective surface over there,

Wondering if my outfit is still looking spruced and proper like it did in the mirror earlier

He better not smile at…

*gasps*

He smiled… how selfish

Now I’m over here feeling all tingley and teenage

Excuse me sir… can we please just respect my pose right now?

This man: “lookin’ beautiful as always”

HOWWWWW DAAAARRRRREEE YYYOOOOUUU…

Theri: “thank you, you don’t look too shabby yourself”

Aaahhhh crap, I just blushed

Why does he do this?

I do not freak out…

He better ask somebody

Got me out here getting sparkley eyed and disoriented

Putting me on that India Arie train living out that brown skin typa tip

(except he’s more of a caramelish hazel type of brown)

But “everytime he comes around, something magnetic pulls me and I can’t get out”

Can I be allowed to stay together though? Gee whizzz.

This man though…

With all his wholesome deliciousness (it’s not a real word I know),

His well groomed gorgeousness,

All that handsome attractiveness (that one too)

…if I don’t see him today I’ll definitely miss him,

If I don’t see him today I’ll catch a proper young depression…

aaahh snap! Is that a zit?

Please let him not come by here today… please please please universe don’t send him this way today

…ohhhhh shhhiiiiippppp

Look who’s here

We do it all again… and everyday…again.

*calls on Naomi Campbell, Dr Maya Angelou powers and only receives India Arie smiles*

“morning, fine and you thanx?”

*sighs*

That guy John

Someone asked me with wondering eyes and a very sincere voice; “Theri but what are your intentions?”

He caught me by surprise, to say the very least. It was more his tone that startled me than his question. For the first time in a while I had no words (this is a point scary in itself because I am rarely ever at a loss for words…though in my defence, I do need to be around certain people in order to bring out my more gregarious side…I’m not shy or anything, I’m just a little reserved…ok a lot reserved but you catch my drift mos?).

Ok well anyway, I stood their with my mind catching a slight breeze of some sort, I would like to call it a recess of some kind but my mind wasn’t really in recession… there were things going through it, just not as quickly as usual…you know? (Don’t act like you don’t).

Let me just quickly sum up the spectrum of thoughts that pulsed (very softly) through my mind.

First I thought maybe he was trying to make conversation. I have heard on occasion that I seem intimidating (which I strongly question, only because I don’t understand how so) so maybe this was his way of testing whether I was ice cold or if I was actually approachable. But then, why would he test with such a question?

Then I thought he had noticed me feeling my boob, well I wasn’t actually feeling it, that sounds really lonely, lol. It’s more like…see the thing is, it happens almost habitually, like an instinct of some sort, a compulsion even. Hey, some people wash their hands a hundred times in 10 minutes, some go back to lock their cars 5 times in 3 minutes, I…just happen to touch my boob on the rare occasion. It happens real quick, it’s not obvious to the naked human eye, so he couldn’t have… he would’ve smiled or something…I mean he did…but not the way you know?

And since I had thought of every possible explanation for this question (by “every possible” I mean as many as I could possibly be expected to get through in the space of a split second, keeping in mind that I was being watched mind you) there was nothing left to do but pose. So I’m standing there with a blank stare, my head singing a chorus of “errrm’s” and “uhhhm’s” (all this in the space of a split second mind you) but I had a thoughtful look on my face and opted for the smarter response of “I’m not sure I know what you mean”. One must always remain in touch…or at the very least look as if they are, lol.

Then he said… let’s just call him John (no that’s not what he said, this is just a sentence on the side from me) anyway, then John said “you have this way about you, this assured, composed and sort of detached thing (I rolled my eyes at this bit…metaphorically of course, we don’t roll our eyes at people, it’ll hurt their feelings) but when you smile…you have this suspiciously alluring twinkle in you eyes”… well he didn’t say it as eloquently as that but let’s cut him some slack… English isn’t the most forgiving language in the world… to some…and it’s ok. Leave John be please.

I smiled then quickly reverted to my (charming) giggle after realising it was this smile that was putting me in this awkward position to begin with. How do I answer this question? I wasn’t sure where to even begin, I wasn’t sure if it even made sense. i didn't know how to answer it...so i didn't. but remember, one must always remain in touch…or at the very least look as if they are. so i said, "I think you might just be imagining things'.

He shook his head, and after a pause that i think was in tribute to quickly sorting through his p's and q's, he said... "Theri you are like one of those people who make you do things you wouldn't do in your right mind"..to which I replied "a hypnotist?" (yeah I go on with my smart ass self *crowd in the back yelling "yeah you go on wit' yo bad self"*). At this point a lovely lady who happened to be at the end of the rope trying to ignore my conversation with John decided to just jump right in (I didn't mind it, it eased my situation, distributed my discomfort, lol), and she said "i heard you laughing the other day and i also thought it was a little mischievous Theri"...

there was my song again "errmm uhhmm"... outloud this time (silly)

The whole day I was watching my smiles and laughs, plagued by the thought of coming across as suggestive.

It had me thinking about how a smile can speak a million things (in case you missed this lesson at english class...this children, is a hyperbole), I've spent a great deal of my time smiling at people I see in the hallways and by ways, not even consciously aware, and this whole time...this WWHHOOLLEE time... I had been communicating a message this deep, lol. It makes me wonder how many lives I may have changed, how many souls I may have offended, how many smiles I may have encouraged and what my contribution to anyones life may have been, just with my smile.

I'll always smile, of course, mischievous and suggestive or not...but I think after having this thought for tea and biscuits, I resolve to smile consciously. Smile as though I'm smiling to an actual human being...a person... a life (i mean I am obviously, but I mean...to be actually aware of people i cross paths with as opposed to just going through the motions...you know?). With these teeth, this cute arrangement of wide, sharp, slightly crooked (just one is crooked and it's sort of at the backish...so *puts a hand in a haters face* lol) choppers, I will change the world... save lives... make manifest the orders of divinity (again with the drama...you already know shem).

From John I take this lesson: smile consciously... be aware at all times that you are speaking to others' universes, your smile is your message, and your message has impact... small or big, this impact sends ripples through the pond that is another persons soul. make it count. of course John didn't consciously (I know, I know... somewhere on the other side of this note is a slick Rick saying "so conscious is the word of the day then?"...note: that slick Rick is me) teach me this...he's probably not even aware that I spent a whole day taking our mini conversation...in which case his words help stress my point about touching lives. But he has left me with a lesson i will teach my children someday.

I thought I'd share this with you all. In case your ponds need some rippling :)

I love you all and if you need one, here's a day's worth supply of smiles *throws day's worth supply of smiles*... even if you don't need them... take one anyway... or whatever (I've always wanted to be one of those people who finish off all of their sentences with "or whatever" but instead I became the ones who finish of with "in my life right now"... e.g. "I need the bathroom...in my life right now", it doesn't make sense, but I go H.A.M on it *H.A.M= hip hop term, not pork, i thank you..."in my life right now")

Anyway...I love you or whatever

...in my life right now

No that's enough now... bye dears.

FW: ALLOW ME A MOMENT TO CATCH A FEELING

HELLO MY DAHHHHHLINZZZ!!

Let me just start off by apologising for the lengthy period between this and the last post. Hallelujah! Lol

But welcome to it… askies mmkay!

It’s Monday morning and already two friends have been through situations that have forced me to confront how easy it is to make meaningful connections as well as how easy (however painful) it is to lose them… ok maybe the word confront is a bit too aggressive in describing my space right now, but if you’re a regular visitor to my blog then I gather you have already picked it up that I tend to get A BIT overly dramatic about things… SOMETIMES (with strong emphasis on the letters in capital letters thank you very much).

It seems only fitting that this would be my first blog post for the year (it’s a little late I know, and it’s been a while… I know that too, but we’re here now aren’t we?).

I think I may have already said this before, but, everyone who walks through the doors of our lives has been divinely ordered to do so. No encounter with anyone happens by accident or coincidence. We serve purposes in each others lives whether or not we consent to those purposes… whether or not we even acknowledge these purposes.

This is a gorgeous theory I think… well sometimes not so sexy, but for the most part, I think it’s absolutely beautiful.

Let me explain (I am tearing up a little bit writing this and might I say, this is an absolutely inappropriate time and space for me to be catching emotions).

I have built incredible friendships and indulged in absolutely loving connections with people I have not spent too much time with… also with people I have not physically met (yes, I’m part of the cyber generation… I will not be judged, lol), and these friendships have grown to feel like I have known these connections all my life. I have crowned some of these souls siblings… family. I have recognised myself in so many of these people and I find it quite overwhelming the thought that the love I feel for these absolutely amazing souls might exist for me with others.

The idea that I might mean the world to someone I have not had the pleasure to meet. The thought that anyone of these cyber people that I speak to so casually and maybe even without conscious regard< might have put me on their list of loves and chosen family. It just goes to show how strong an impact we all have on each other and how easy love comes (I’m talking about that real love that’ll kick somebody’s asssssssssss ‘fo they let a punk disrespect their people #gangster face#... yes, I watch a lot of tv).

I was saying… people come into our worlds to serve a purpose, and sometimes, that purpose is not meant to carry on forever. Difficult as may be, one must learn to respect the purpose served and the exit of the server. One must let others leave with love, genuine love. Pause… am I the only person that thinks the use of “one” makes it all sound so pretentious? Lol. But it seems a little fancy I think… not too much, but fancy still, lol.  Anyway, people are going to leave, and when they do, it has (recently) started to seem a little childish to start a hate foundation in their honour. Let them leave, and appreciate the mark they’ve left in your world. Good or bad, pretty or ugly, this mark is not an accident. Heaven is always at work, and always in our favour. Learn to love the beauty and the pain of every connection made. THEY WILL ALWAYS BUILD YOU…ALWAYS!!

This is not a revelation…in fact some might consider this somewhat clichéd… but just in case anyone might not hear this anywhere else… I’m saying it.

Of the many takes on what the year 2012 will represent… I have settled on 20self… I’m taking this year personally. Makes sense then that this whole making genuine connections thing would turn me into a cheeseball. I will not apologise for that, lol.

So then… to the friends I have carried with me for all my life… or somewhere close to that length, the new friends and the friends I have not met (may we meet before judgement day, in case we are separated into different temperatures of the afterlife, lol)… I have turned you all into family, I have loved you all as I love myself and I hold you dear. Thick and and thin, I love you all.

To those that have already fulfilled their purposes in my life…thank you. I may or may not yet have reached the lesson you left for me, but I am forever greatful for those intersections at which we were introduced.

I feel truly blessed and so favoured that the good Lord continues to let my path intertwine with the paths of others, that His love for me (clears throat at tries to compose the waterworks) ensures I am not island. You souls…you beautiful souls have made my life so colourful, the drama, the joys and all the times in between have been memorable. And with all the love I have in me, from the deepest part of the healthiest bit of my medulla oblongata (this biological term was not in the cards when I was still ruling the spelling bee teasts in my junior years, so if it’s wrong…I’m sorry), with every fibre of my being, every ounce of my soul (I don’t know what we measure the soul with so I’ll settle for ounce thank you very much)… with everything I have to give… THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH and though it’s a little late, we are still in January so HAPPY NEW YEAR, lol. I hope all of you make manifest all that you’ve planned to achieve, all you’ve planned to be and all you’ve prayed, wished and imagined to experience. I LOVE YOU MY BABIES.

Now go out there and make this another memorable journey. If anyone opposes, tell them all to find themselves a chair and sit their ass down somewhere. As ordered by Queen Theri.

*three tier finger snap*

Yes

I

Did!!