Civil War

She so badly wanted him to be who he promised he was... But after all the weeks on weeks that her heart tried to make excuses for why he wasn't maintaining that promise, guess she just had to admit that she was investing way too much of herself into a fruitless cause. She had to go. She would've loved to stay. But she had to go.

I sat with her while she cried, I couldn't think of anything to say to make her feel better except the cliché stuff... And I know that's the exact type of stuff I never want to hear when it's me in those shoes. "You're gonna be ok"... I imagine she would roll her eyes at that. That's what I do when someone says that to me (I keep it all internal though, one does not roll ones eyes at people who are trying to make one feel better). I didn't know what to say because I knew no matter what I said, it just wouldn't be enough to make her tears stop. And I didn't want to make her tears stop, or at least not right then. I'm a firm believer in "letting it all out"... It's therapy you know.

So I just sat there and did for her what I appreciate when I'm in tears. I held her hand and sat there quietly. Though I really wanted to save her.

(Eventually, when I was ready for an answer, sometimes I'm not... For fear that I would be expected to give a brilliant response and then I'd fail at that. I've never really been one for the "oh no he didn't" movement.) I asked...
- "What happened babe?"
- "Nothing" she said...
I was puzzled.
- "Nothing happened... I just couldn't think of anymore reasons to stay. Or any reasons why I should bother with the arguments."

There it was.

Behind her teary eyes though it was pretty obvious that even the most civil of break-ups are not exempt from the pain.
I'm scared of her tears. They're too real. They're those "just parted ways with the very heavy emotional price tag I invested" tears. Those are heavy tears. We've all been to them. But everytime the emotional equivalent of wall street crashes, they feel like the first time.

I wanted to be strong for her. Be her rock. That's what I'm supposed to do isn't it? It's what I've always done. But I stepped into her shoes... Then I had to borrow her tears for a young second (I've turned into such a girl *rolls eyes*). Hers is an easy situation to find yourself in. But very difficult to recover from. I reserved my opinion for when she asked, and when she finally did, I said... "Cry a little more...feel every feeling that comes" (what a very cheesy thing of me to say... I had hoped that that would translate as draining out the pain). She smiled and said "I love you kid". I hope that means I said the right thing. I meant it. It was sincere. So it must've been right... Right?.

She's usually so together... I guess that's why it was so hard trying to comfort her when she was breaking down. It hurts that bad that she let me see her in tears... In this light SHE IS ME... Little miss strong. Little miss nobody knows how to handle you when you're being anything BUT strong.
"I love you my friend"... That was the most solid and honest piece of comfort I could share with her. I meant it with my soul.

"What happened my friend"
"Nothing... Nothing happened..."

No fight. Just goodbye. Civil... But the ocean she'll have to battle from this goodbye... War.

I love her so much. I wish that was all it took to make it all better. A simple, honest and wholesome "I love you my friend".

Note: This was 3 months ago. I saved writting this for when she was fine. She is. And I love her. Lol
♥