Sunday afternoon

So on Sunday right...the day I was supposed to blog but I didn't... I had an awesome day (LOL)

I made a wild mushroom risotto, with extra parmesan (I love cheese) and I baked a triple chocolate cake...FOR MYSELF! And I had a thick slice with whipped cream... I made meringues and had one with berries and a berry sauce. This doesn't quite sound like the ideal sitting for a lady "tryna be healthy" but I figure the wild mushrooms and the berries could be worth a few points... The meringue is egg whites so ... *shrugs*

Anyway, there I was, home alone, with a thick slice of heavenly goodness, a gorgeous cloud of (moderately) crunchy exterior and chewy centred meringue crowned in berries (the meringue...not me)...washed it all down with red wine (nyummy)... This was my space, my pocket of alone time...my "me minute"... I put pen to paper and I smiled.

You'd think I would've gotten all dolled up to match my cute lady meal...but I wasn't...I was in board shorts and a golf shirt...and morning slippers. (I'm describing the scene in detail because I think it helps to know the calmness and freedom of my Sunday when I returned to speaking to myself...I can understand how that last bit might sound concerning, but I'm sane I swear, lol)
It started out in my mind, and by "it", I mean the conversation I had with myself, lol... Anyhow, it started in my mind where it stayed for quite some time as I munched away on my delightful snacks under the carport... Until eventually out of nowhere I just blurted "and how's that working for you miss thing?"...

Oh really Theri?... Did you really just Dr. Phil yourself?!

It's funny how much you learn about yourself by trying to explain to yourself how there's nothing you need to be learning about yourself...did that even make sense.

I put myself in court defending myself...from myself (I maintain...I'm perfectly fine, lol) and I was shocked how much I kept returning to making excuses for myself. It was quite interesting learning that though I am stubborn, as of late, I doubt anyone could even guess it...dear goodness, I've been a push-over.
I've been putting off using these words "I don't want to".

And as the meringue crumbled in my hand and that jam-like sauce treacled down my fingers...I said..."No"... I'm not quite sure if I said that to my meringue, or if I had subconsciously caught myself drifting into that space where I start to feel like the the universe had conspired to get me to the point of not being liberal enough to just say "I don't want to" (lol) and I was now disciplining my thoughts of pitty.

You know that feeling when you realise you've been nurturing a feeling that you technically stopped feeling a very long time ago, but you forgot to give yourself the memo that you were over it? (This is a rhetorical question, before any bright bulb sarcastically answers in the comfort of their own thoughts and gives a dismissing "uhhmm how bout NO?"...stop that)

Well, then you realise you've been living the role of a character that you killed off a while ago. You've been housing, paying, feeding and supporting an actor who no longer needs to be on set because they've done their work and served their purpose. YOU'VE BEEN HAD!... BY YOURSELF! (Gosh darnit!)

And the bulb switches on... If its not necessary and it's not particularly significant... What's the point of keeping it company? I forgot to put out the memo to my accountant that the feeling was no longer with us, therefore, we need not allocate resources to fund its stay.
And as a result, this feeling has been receiving a pay-cheque...even though it is no longer employed. And you know it's not going to come forward and expose itself...NEVER!

I picked up my pen and I wrote at the top of the page... " That'll be all thank you"... That was the title...and 2 and a half pages later I arrived again at "So that'll be all thank you". It's how I started and it's how I finished.
I was venting like a mad woman, lol. In a letter that will never be delivered. And then I burnt it (yes I did just say I burnt it)...it had served its purpose. It housed the words that I needed to say, but I wouldn't dare say them out loud. And now I had said them...to myself... And I was done with them...that'll be all thank you. Lol.

It is important for one to free ones self.
And the universe is always as it should be... There are people, feelings and events, that travel into our spaces, serve the purpose and leave...others' purpose is to stay, and others' purpose is to let us know that we have not visited our drawing boards in too long a time and now we're drifting around without an actual plan. And others are just nice to look at, lol. And eventually, somehow, things always fall into the space where they belong, and I've learnt...Theri, release!!! Trust!!!... That all is as it should be, therefore feel everything, live everything, be everything that whatever space you are in requires that you feel, live and be.
I always say this to friends, "take time to let your heart feel whatever it needs to feel, so it can be done with it already" I preach this...but I don't readily practise it (sorry guys, we're all guilty of this trend).
For the past couple of days... I have been feeling...and it has made me smile to learn that heaven works in my best interest, PERIOD! And its been lovely seeing and experiencing, noting and agreeing with, the pieces of puzzle that I have been gripping onto so hard... Now beautifully falling into place. When I say "ok...*sighs*...I'm open to letting go" something happens that feels like heaven is giving me that reassuring wink. *insert warm and fuzzy feelings here*
The puzzle falls into place...and I smile uncontrollably.
That'll be all thank you (^^,)
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