Shadows of distant loves

I hadn't realised the intensity of how estranged we'd become. I wasn't oblivious to the rift. Bt I had held our friendship safe...... I'd kept a piece of it alive. Still giving life and love to what (I thought) still existed. I hadn't realised how far apart our journeys were moving... I guess I had hoped that somehow the connection would keep itself alive. That regardless of time and of distance, somehow, our worlds would always make way to share each others joy... Each others struggles... Each others lives. I had held on to the memory of where we'd started, so firmly and so dearly, that I failed to acknowledge that whatever purpose I'd served in your life had drawn to its end, and while I kept your shadow in all the monuments of what I held dear... You had grown. And you had outgrown me. This, was my mistake. I take full responsibility for my naivety. And with love, my prayer is that life treats you kind. That happiness continue to rise with you at every day. And if someday our lives should somehow recognise each other, then too, with love... I will honour the movement.

This is a feeling penned down at 02:05 a.m. Or at least, this is the time the full stop made it to the end of the feeling, lol. Trouble sleeping.

02:09 and I am plagued by the realities of somehow having already moved to one day being dismissed as "just an old friend" and then eventually to "just someone from my past".

Developments I respect as natural parts of growth. Natural parts of life. But the reality of outgrowing the roles we play in others' lives and of others' outgrowing the existence of your role in their lives... Though I had always acknowledged it... Had for (truly) the first time left a lump in my throat that at 02:14 a.m... I didn't know what to do with.

I didn't want to be petty. But I couldn't help it. The idealist in me had just been silenced. I had imagined the response to be "it's not like we've been keeping in touch" or "it's not like we've been keeping up". I had somehow made it to the idea that it was only I who was allowed to outgrow. I somehow felt exempted from being outgrown. And at 02:18... I felt selfish. And I was. I didn't want to be... But no matter what evidence life had served, the official notice of insignificance was no easy bite to swallow. And the memo didn't mince its words.

02:21... Backspace a sentence. That ones too deep. It can't make it on here.

I hadn't been able to attend to this notice with the same nonchalance I had been radiating regarding a now week old exit from a relationship. A cold indifference that had resulted in the feeling that nothing ever happened. What had plagued me about this reaction (to the sudden break-up) was guilt I felt for dismissing this end as just an "oh well". I felt as though I should have been a mess. I was expected to be a mess. I hadn't shed a single salty tear, and no one could seem to understand why I seemed to "not be dealing with itl. I couldn't explain the chunk of me that didn't feel like there was anything to deal with. I had packed up my feelings long before the end. A truth that made me feel heartless. But this is another story. A story... For another day. A story I haven't yet summed up the interest to pursue. It may not ever come. I don't know *bbm I don't know face... To lighten the mood... Perhaps*

02:32 a little more of the backspace key, in honour of the ends. And in preservation of all that had been and all that was left.

02:47 the sleep that had left me at 01:15 is slowly asking for me back. Floating in and out of consciousness, I have to finish. If I leave it for later, I won't have the voice to word this out. I have to do it now while I've still caught the creative writing ghost, lol.

We always preach of how everyone comes into our life to serve a purpose. Of how everything happens for a reason. But very seldom do we speak of honouring (with sincere love) the exit of these people when there purpose in our lives has been fulfilled. Very seldom do we acknowledge the freedom of these souls. These precious souls.

I have said this before, I'm sure of it. But I have to say again... To all the beautiful souls that have at any and every point crossed paths with mine. Thank you for your contribution to my development. Whether or not I have consciously taken the time to sift through what these contributions are, I trust without fail that it is all for a greater good. A greater good that holds my best interests at heart. And for that I honour your journeys through the highways of my life..

03:01 and I'm feeling thankful.

And with that, I shall submit to this nagging fatigue. My sleep has arrived.

I love you. All.
Smile... You never know who's watching :)